I am trying a new approach to expressing myself in my own space (this blog), and it is with the timer set for 10 minutes.
10 minutes leaves no time to write at all, just as well as it gives plenty of time to stop guessing and start doing. Maybe the highest quality thoughts will emerge if I push myself to keep typing?
Nonetheless, an hour before this post I was out in the park, slowly walking a quiet loop while Falcon and Ty tackled the playground nearby. Absorbing the picture-perfect experience of suburban, middle-class living, I finally understood the void.
I miss the magic.
In fact, I might as well admit that I became addicted to the magic. And like when any other addiction is cut off, it creates a sense of loneliness, emptiness, and certainly, sadness.
For so many years, I was able to live my life non-status quo. On a whim I left this country to work in Afghanistan, and the adventures that accompanied were magic because there typically was no choreography behind them. The way I met Ty and the surprise of “meeting” Falcon – both were magical, with no explanation behind them except for what most would call fate.
2016, despite its salty twists and turns, was still magic – our plans became unhinged and suddenly, we had to create to survive. We didn’t know where our paychecks would come from, and the drive and push to give of ourselves to validate the abandoned security was both cathartic and enthralling. We hoped only for “security,” for the stability of leaving behind that nerve-wracking uncertainty.
And now that we have it (security in suburban America with comfy paychecks and existence), I realize how, despite its imperfection, the magic is a more authentic depiction of how I want my life to be.
I have a routine from the time I wake to the time I fall into bed, but I have no magic. There is no more sense of edge and adventure, no more urgency to create – instead, there’s simply an excuse to exist. No edginess, no wonder. Routine, discipline, existence.
Maybe the magic is in the sacrifice and the ability to trust that more magic is on the way…
Lovely